Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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