At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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