whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
