We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
