I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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