Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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