you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
