do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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