the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
