Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
