mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Jerry, you need to find god
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You ruined the universe
Randomize
