Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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