hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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