I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
