Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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