at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
