he thought i was a dude.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
