I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
