The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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