Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
