the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
