I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
