Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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