My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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