Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
