If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
