I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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