How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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