just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
