I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
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