Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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