he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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