Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The uberlube is also flammable
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
