Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
