just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
