so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
