Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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