so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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