Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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