a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
