I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
