You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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