The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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