i wish my penis had a tongue
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
