I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
