i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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