do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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