highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
3 2 1 whiskey
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
