If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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