shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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