Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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