Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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